What triggers you?

Warning: the following may be triggering to some people. Reader discretion advised. 

What triggers you? 

Over and over, I see people sharing how what someone has said has made them crazy. How dare they say that to me!!!! I'm grieving. They have no idea!

Or I see people sharing articles and tips of what to say and what not to say to someone grieving. 

The thing is, it all comes down to someone belief system (which has been formed off of someone else's... and continue ad infinitum)

I know that many would never see grief as beautiful as I do. Does that make them right and me wrong? Or me right and them wrong? No. It has nothing to do with right and wrong and everything to do with our attitude and perspective of grief. And how are our attitudes and perspectives formed? Primarily from our core belief systems which are adjusted (or not) by our experiences of life along the way. 

Think about those people who have been labelled as the black sheep of the family. The ones who are always speaking up and sharing thoughts that are not aligned with the rest of the family. They are the ones who question stuff. They are the ones who probably call acts of hypocrisy out... and do not fit easily into the mould of family, community, even society. Yet, allow these same people to find their own tribe of like-minded thinkers and they can become revered and esteemed figures for their thoughts and perceptions. These are the people who think outside of the box and are not afraid to tread new paths.

Here's the thing though - if you are being triggered, by anything that elicits strong negative emotions such as anger, fear, or shame, that is often an indication that you are not free in some area of your life. They are, after all, only words. Words that have no meaning until we apply meaning to them. 

Let's take the word suicide as an example. I am not triggered by this word at all, yet many people, even social media, don't want you to say it openly and out loud, or write about it. I have deep compassion and empathy for anyone who has reached that point in their life where they feel that taking their life is the only option. That they often don't feel they can reach out to someone and ask them for help. Or more importantly, just have someone listen to them. Yet, for Samurai, committing suicide was considered a code of honour. A highly principled people who preferred death over dishonour. And what about all the suicide bombers sacrificing themselves in the belief of a greater paradise awaiting them?  However you choose to look at the semantics, the bottom line is that it is still the taking of one's own life. What gives the word weight, or no weight at all, is what someone believes about it... and what we believe is always our choice.

So how does being triggered serve you? It is letting you know that you are stuck in some place that is probably not serving you. For example, think about the expression 'they are in a better place' that is considered one of those grief terms that you should NEVER say to someone. If you react to this term, maybe there is some part of you, deep in your subconscious, that believes there is some truth in this statement, but it's not the done thing to think of a loved one dying being in a better place, even if it means that they are no longer suffering and in pain. Or perhaps the belief is that by staying strong, suppressing your emotions, that is what will get you through this mess. If dying meant that you knew your loved one was in a place of total love, where there is no judgement, would that make this term more acceptable? You see, it all comes down to interpretation and let's be real, we are all a bit judgy, especially when we are out of our comfort zones. I don't think the intention is ever to offend. 

Confession time! I was probably one of those people who said ALL the wrong things to grieving family, friends and colleagues in my younger years. I often felt out of my depth in any public settings and would say the most inane things that I would often regret later. I would then mull over what I SHOULD have said. There were a lot of people who showed me grace in my younger years!! 

Could it be then that being triggered is actually a gift? An opportunity? I think so. It serves to cast light on the shadow sides of our thoughts, beliefs, and insecurities. It sure as heck doesn't feel good when we are being triggered. Though, if we allow ourselves to reflect about what was it that made us feel offended or upset, then we start to see the layers underneath, and what is behind our reaction.

I recall a time when I was newly back at work after Tahl died visiting a medical centre where one of the nurses asked how I was. I replied, I'm doing okay, I think. Just trying to find the positives in what has happened. She vehemently replied - positives? There are no positives in your child dying! The degree of her reaction certainly made me feel, for a moment, that I had said something dreadful. That I was wrong in believing/ thinking there could be ANY positives in this situation. I wasn't meaning positives like I am happy that she died in an accident. I am talking about knowing that the truck driver didn't see her face when his truck hit her car, and that she didn't see the truck hitting her. I am talking about That she didn't suffer. About the incredible stories that were shared by her friends that I had never heard, and which made my heart swell with pride.  And, that she came to me and let me know about the accident and then wrapped me up in her love. Those are the positives I chose to cling on to in those early days, weeks, and months.

When Tahl died - not for one moment did I want that reality to be true. Yet, no matter how much I wanted otherwise, it was true. She had died... And had died young. The fact that I was a single parent, and this was my only child wasn't taken into consideration. Yet, hand on heart, I can say she was and still is the most beautiful blessing in my life. And my life is richer for this experience. This is how I CHOOSE to perceive the death of my daughter. I don't expect anyone else to. You can believe what you want. That is the beauty of choice. 

So, what do you do when you are grieving, and someone triggers the heck out of you? Well, you do what you can do any other time you are triggered... take a few deep calming breaths, maybe go for a walk, talk it out with someone, listen to music or do something relaxing. Then, when you have the opportunity, you can take a step back and think to yourself: 

'Why am I being triggered by that?' 

'Where has that belief come from?'

'Do I still believe this belief or am I just flowing with status quo?'

The good thing is, having taken a moment to reflect you then have the opportunity to carry on believing that; modifying it; or letting it go. The choice is always yours.

Victor Frankl sums it up best...

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”